Princess Serenity has just witnessed her boyfriend Endymion be murdered in front of her by Queen Beryl. Stricken with grief, she is about to turn his sword on herself and take her own life. This fate could have been avoided if she’d had a Sassy Gay Friend.

“But he’s the only man I’ve ever loved!”

“That’s probably because you’re fourteen and you live in a purely matriarchal society. He’s the only man you’ve ever met.”

“We were meant for each other!”

“Sweetie, you can do better. You really want to kill yourself over the guy who wore a tuxedo, a mask, and decided to call himself ‘Tuxedo Mask’?”

“Well… I guess he could be a bit boring sometimes.”

“Speaking of boring, is this how you wanna be remembered? As the girl who ripped off Romeo and Juliet? You’re the main character. That’s disgraceful.”

“But what am I supposed to do instead? Just wait for Beryl and her army to finish me off, too?”

“No, you stupid bytch! You’re the Moon Princess! You walk your fabulous ass right up to that dry-skinned hag and you blast them all away. Then you get out your Crystal - which I love, by the way, so vintage - and bring your boyfriend back to life with maybe a little extra sword, if you catch my drift.”

“You’re right! I won’t give up, I’ll fight for love! I’ll seal away Beryl and her minions!”

“Actually, could you spare the tan buff one with the silver hair? I’m pretty sure he gave me the look.”

“He’s evil!”

“Oh, of course. I’m sorry. I’m a stupid bytch.”

Whoops, almost forgot the plug.

CALM DOWN

YOU CAN STILL MARRY PRINCE DARRY